The Misery
by DarkTragicAngel
Summary: What happened in the year between the death of Light and the suicide of Misa? Matsuda wishes to help, confort and even love Misa. But will his love be returned? A sad story.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**

**This story is inspired on a song from one of my favorite bands: Sonata Artica. The song is called The Misery. Each chapter begins with a part of its lyrics.**

**I do not own Sonata Artica's Lyrics, I not own Death Note, but hell, they really, truly inspire me!**

* * *

_I write the lines you want me to,  
With the words I dare to use of all the ones that you have taught me,  
Along the years_

_You cast a perfect shadow on the paper, fade away with sunlight,  
I fear the way you know me, love can leave a stain..._

_You steal my only hope and make me stay awake another night,  
I wish you bear with me, stay near me  
When the Autumn leaves have fallen...  
Solitude, my pain, the last thing left of me.._

* * *

It was a beautiful morning. The sun was shining brightly, promising another warm and sunny day. Birds were singing. Happy children were playing and laughing in the playground. Inside a tall building, behind a large window, stood a woman. Her eyes were fixed on the playfully children. Her face blank. She closed her eyes and felt the warmth of the sunlight passing through the window. She closed her eyes and listened to the voices of joy. Happiness, the one feeling that contrasted greatly with the turmoil she was living inside.

How could laughter exist? How could the sun shine so brightly? How could birds sing so cheerfully? How? He is dead. And the world carries on, merrily, oblivious from its loss, oblivious from her pain.

There was a heavy silence inside the hotel room. Dead silent. A young man sat on the couch. He was dressed in a dark blue suit. His tie was loosened up and his hair messy. He sat bowed, his head hung down. A defeated pose. The young woman stood with her back to the man, brightened by the light of the sunshine. She was small, but stood strait and looked taller. Black lines traced the tears that streamed from those sad eyes. But her complexions were as beautiful as ever. She cried silently, her face blank, peaceful. But from inside she felt agony, sickness, despair. She felt the pain strike her when the words were spoken.

"Light didn't make it. I'm sorry. He passed away."

She felt a pain that she had not felt for a long time ago. A pain she had almost forgotten that existed. The pain of a part of herself being taken away. Fading away. She died from inside.

She could not believe it. She could not accept this reality. It must be a lie. In any moment he will walk inside. He will smile and take his coat out. She will run at him and hug him with all her strength. She will speak of her fears and he will say that all is right. But she knew better. She knew he would never enter that room again. She knew he would never smile and comfort her anymore. For he was gone, forever

"How?" The man stared at the woman as he heard her faint voice. His eyes were red, his face pale.

"Kira. Kira kiled him. A-and we…ehm…Kira…h-he is no longer between us too."

She felt her heart sink. How could Kira kill her beloved Light. Kira was a good person. He avenged her family. He killed the murderer of her father and mother. Kira is good, Kira did this for her. Why did Kira kill the love of her life? Why?

"Is there anything I can do for you?" The young man asked.

"We were going to marry soon." She spoke with a low but clear voice. She spoke more to herself, ignoring the question that had just been made. "We were going to have a beautiful wedding. All important people of Japan would come. All celebrities would envy Misa-Misa."

The man stared worriedly. He knew she was in state of shock and didn't know what to do. He felt helpless and decided to simply listen to the words of the young woman.

"Misa-Misa was going to wear a gorgeous white gown. It was going to be made of satin and silk. The sleeves were going to be long with embroidered paterns of flowers in pearl-white. Misa-Misa's measurings were already made. She was going to be the most beautiful bride ever." She turned around silently and faced the speechless man. She smiled dreamily with the thoughts of her perfect wedding. The saddest smiled he had ever seen.

"And he would be dressed with an Armani cream suit. How beautiful he would have looked." Her eyes shined brightly as she daydreamed further on. "The ceremony would be traditional and romantic. We were going to read our vows…Matsuda, do you want to hear my vows to Light?" The blondine asked enthusiastically, clenching her hands together and giving a little jump. The young man looked surprised, smiled in pity and nodded affirmatively. Misa turned again around facing the window. She looked up to the sky.

"From the first day I saw you, I loved you. From the moment I met you, I knew we were meant to be together. My love for you is like an endless ocean. I will do anything you tell me to do, just to please you, just to see your smile, just to make you happy. Because when Light is happy, Misa-Misa is happy too. Through joy and pain, my love for you will never dim. I love you and always will love you, no matter what." She closed her eyes and smiled. A tear escaped her eye and draw the contour of her pretty face.

"It's beautiful." Matsuda merely said.

"Afterwards we would have the reception and the party." She continued dreamily. "Photo's would be made to put in our wedding album. We would dance together and Misa-Misa would sing a romantic song to Light." She sighted. Again she turned around facing Matsuda. Her eyes were watery, her expression sad. "Imagine how beautiful our children would have been!" She started sobbing. The young man stood quickly up, just in time to hold on Misa, before she would collapse in tears. "And now all Misa-Misa's dreams are gone! GONE! He's dead! Oh why? Why did he have to die? Why?" She cried loudly, a painful cry. Matsuda held her in his arms not knowing what to say. He held her like a child, stroke her silky hair, patted her back gently. And Misa cried, cried and cried. It was cry of desperation, hopelessness, agony. An endless cry that could not ease the suffering she was feeling inside.

Only after an hour did the young woman ease down, tired and defeated by the sorrow. Matsuda lay her down on her bed, cleaned the tears away of her face and made her a thee.

"I'll be here whenever you need me Misa-chan. Anytime you need someone to talk to, you can always call me, any time of the day or night." He gently said as he gave her the thee.

"Thank you Matsuda-kun. You were always a good friend of Misa-Misa. And of Light-kun." She cleaned her face with a white embroidered handkerchief. "Thank you for your help, but I think I want to be alone right now. Misa-Misa will be ok."

Matsuda hesitated. He didn't know if it was wise to leave the young woman alone. On the other had she seemed to have calmed down and he could imagine she needed to be a while alone with her thoughts. After making sure she was well and needed nothing else several times, Matsuda left the hotel room. Behind the door Misa lay down on her bed, still weeping, silently. As tiredness took over her body and mind, the widowed bride fell into sleep.

* * *

_A/N_

_Ah, what a sad story. I never lost someone close to me and hope that I'll never will. _

_This story will follow the developments of Misa and Matsuda in the year between Light's death and Misa's suicide. Each chapter will alternate and concentrate in one of these characters. This one was Misa's, meaning that the next one is the perspective from Matsuda._

_Although the story is depressive, I do hope that you'll enjoy the reading._


	2. Chapter 2

_If you fall I'll catch, if you love I'll love,  
And so it goes, my dear, don't be scared, you'll be safe,  
This I swear. If you only love me_

* * *

Matsuda walked home after a weary workday. It would take him close to half an hour to reach home, but he preferred today to walk instead of taking the subway. He looked up and noticed that the sky had already become dark. Night had fallen, but the human intelligence had found a way to trick Mother Nature. Artificial illumination stole the darkness away so the daily life of people could continue until the high hours of the night. As he walked he witnessed the rush of the city, something that had become a daily trait of Tokio. Many little red lights drew the contours of the roads. The dark walls of buildings were momentarily enlightened by bright yellow lights as cars passed by. The shadows fall back again to only seconds away disappear as a new car drove by. Matsuda looked up to see rows of white and yellow squares that outlined the high buildings of the city. As he looked carefully he could see behind the brightened windows, people moving. Some still working in offices, others busy with their evening tasks at home.

He eventually reached one of the busiest market places of Tokio. He stood there a while and stared around. Everywhere he saw neon lights of bright red, yellow and purple colors. Some of the big letters that they illuminated changed into different shades of colors; others displayed a variety of patterns, while others flashed recurrently. These colorful bright letters made sure that no one would miss the words that they spelled. Names of famous companies with labels and logos of all kinds of merchandise. Matsuda realized that he was familiarized with most of them. Coca Cola, Toshiba, Nike, Mazda… Famous names that called out at people to buy their products. But Matsuda realized that they actually had no real meaning. No real character.

So people associated Coca Cola to a popular drink. So people associated Toshiba to one of the best companies in modern technology. But in fact they are nothing but products to be bought and consumed. They are things that people whether need or wish to have. But in the truth, their nature is trivial. They are names; they are objects, they are lifeless. No one will ever feel entirely satisfied with a product, for they are nothing but an item for use, something that will never show emotion, share feelings or care for someone. Matsuda realized that these names were actually shallow, merely the combination of letters. Nothing more. Meaningless. Empty. Matsuda shook his head as these thoughts invaded in his brains. _Why am I even thinking this?_ He sat down on an empty bench. He felt a bit dizzy. Maybe he had stared too long at the neon lights. Maybe he was just very tired. He had had after all a very hectic week behind him.

He breathed deep. As he looked around he saw people walking, here and there, everywhere. Some alone, some with friends, some with lovers. He saw people talking in cells phones, he saw young girls with big bags of shopping giggling together, he saw people in a hurry. He tried to picture how the lives of these people were. And then he realized the irony of reality.

He realized as he sat there in the centre of Tokio. Alone in the middle of the crowd. He experienced the cruelty of the existence of each and every individual. As he sat there, as people walked and passed by him, nobody even noticed him. Not one single person. He was in a crowd, in the middle of a population of millions, yet he was alone, invisible to everybody. He wondered if he would fall dead in that place, if anyone would even notice. Would even care. Matsuda felt a thrill through his spine as he realized that the world was oblivious of his existence. He grew up with the concept that each human being is individual and unique. We all have our own story. We are all special in our own being. But in the mass of society we are nobody. We are only a nameless face in the crowd. We are inexistent.

Matsuda shook his head again and desperately wanted to wash these thoughts away. _Jeez, what's my problem today? _His revelation had made him feel nervous and lonely. He decided he needed a distraction, something to relax him. He decided to get a drink in his favorite bar, at Oishi's place.

The bell rang as he entered. Inside rows of tables were displayed next to each other. He took a seat next to an elder man and ordered a double Martini. He drank it in almost one single swallow. The elder man that sat next to him watched him carefully, in silence. Matsuda stared a few seconds at the bottom of the empty glass and ordered a second double Martini.

"Had a tough week, did ya?" the old man asked with a rough voice.

"Absolutely." Matsuda received his second drink. He drank it quickly until halfway and then stopped. He stared again at the glass and placed it on the table. "It is only a week and yet it feels much longer."

"Hai, those are the days we wish to never live. But don't forget, my young friend, life is full of bad things but also of good things. You must always seek the positive elements in the negative." The old man spoke. Matsuda stared puzzled at him. He had to sit next to some philosopher!

"Sometimes it's difficult to find anything positive in the negative." He spoke thoughtfully. "Maybe sometimes there is nothing positive…"

"No, my young lad! That is the wrong attitude. There is always something good in life, even in the most difficult moments that you face on. You just have to seek for them."

"Even if somebody dies?"

"Death is part of the circle of life. Do not see death as the end. Understand it as the beginning of a new journey."

"Easy to speak"

"You think? See these old hands?" The man showed his wrinkled hands. "These have held dying loves ones in the past. Look at my eyes." His face came closer to Matsuda's, who instinctively inclined backwards. "These have seen death." He calmly returned to his original position, leaving a shocked Matsuda staring at him with wide open eyes.

"Don't take too much notice of Fujishima-san. He's just a crappy old man." The young waiter told Matsuda as he winkled friendly at the old man.

"Crappy? You should show more respect to an older man! I'm one of your best clients!" The old man replied angrily.

"That's because you have an eye on Oishi-san, isn't it?" The waiter teased his old client.

"he he. Is she here today?" He grinned mischievously.

"Unfortunately for you, Fujishima-san, she's away the whole weekend. You'll have to wait until Monday again." He sympathetically answered as he cleaned a glass. He looked at Matsuda's empty Martini. "Another one Touta?" Matsuda blinked. He had been staring the whole time at the "crappy" old man and didn't even notice that he had finished drinking his Martini.

"Oh no, thank you Kazuo. I'll be going." He paid what he owned and resumed his walk home.

……………………………………………………………………..

Matsuda entered in his small apartment. He switched the lights on, darkness made him feel uncomfortable. He headed to the kitchen, grabbed a small package with noodles, some chicken from the fridge and quickly made his diner. He stared at his apartment as he ate. Nobody to give him company. _Maybe I should get a cat_. The place was a mess, untidy, dirty. _Maybe I should hire a cleaning girl._ When he finished his diner, he placed the dirty plate on the kitchen counter and didn't even bother to wash it.

He pushed away some old newspapers and sat down on his couch. He switched on the radio. He liked sound, disliked silence. It was too heavy for him, too quiet, too dead. He looked at the photo imprinted on the newspaper page. It showed Misa. Next to her were Aizawa and himself, Mogi a bit behind them. She had sunglasses on so she could hide her weary sad eyes from journalists. Matsuda's thoughts went back to that day…

……………………………………………………………………………….

2 January 2010.

14:47

People dressed in black entered the church. Matsuda, Aizawa and Mogi stood by the entrance of the building. They were there to make sure that no one would disturb the ceremony, that no unwanted person, mainly journalists, could enter the sanctuary. Matsuda saw the silent and sad faces walk by. He saw Mrs. Yagami and young Sayu walk hand in hand. Both pale, both wearing the scars of the pain that they gained from their lost. He saw old college fellows from Toko University walk inside. Some looked at him and greeted with a nod. Matsuda recognized them from the day that he, together with Light, when to Aoyama. _So long time ago._ And then she came. Misa was dressed in a basic black dress that generously revealed her female curves. Half of her face was hidden under black sunglasses. Ide was marching slowly next to Misa.

The ceremony was gloomy. Kindhearted words were spoken about a young intelligent man, a beloved son, brother, lover and friend. A man of good principles, a victim of a cruel murderer. Matsuda stood at the end of the building, next to the main door. _If they only knew what I know. If they only knew that he was not such a good son, not a good friend. Traitor. How could you Light? Your father..he died because of you…your sister…kidnapped because of you…L, was he not your friend? Respectable? No, you are not a respectable person. You are a cruel man, playing god. The people you hurt. The people that were closest to you were the most hurt by you too. You're cruel. Traitor. Murderer. _He could not take it anymore. He felt too hypocrite to assist the ceremony. He was angry, revolted. Without making a sound, Matsuda opened the door and stepped outside. He always had liked Light. He always admired him. The son of Chef Police Soichiro Yagami, the follower of L. His intelligence, his confidence, his moral principles. He looked up to him and sometimes he even envied him. Only because all he had ever wished to be was in the person of Light. But that was all a lie. Light became a distortion of this image. He became nothing but an atrocious coldhearted monster. A mass murderer. Kira.

16.33.

Soft sobs were heard. The priest spoke the last words. The coffin was slowly deposited deep in the ground. One by one people walked by the coffin, gave the final farewell and dropped a white rose on the wood. And then it was all over. Little by little people left the graveyard. The further mourning would be shared in the reception room.

17:55

Finally the last guest leaved. Ide offered himself to bring Mrs. Yagami and Sayu home. Misa was the last one to depart the reception. The remaining policeman accompanied the mourning woman to her car. In the way out, a large group of journalists waited for their national pop star. Many flash lights were shot before Misa could get herself safe inside the black car. The photos that would the next appear day in every Japanese magazines and newspapers.

"Aizawa, Mogi. Thank you for accompanying Misa-Misa." The young woman spoke while she sat on the back seat of the car. Both man bowed before they left. Matsuda too stepped in the car, behind the steering wheel. No words were spoken during the whole way. The sun was low. The sky presented a colorful display of red, pink and purple tones. Soon it would be evening. Soon it would be dark.

Matsuda accompanied Misa to her hotel door. He was very surprised when the young woman invited him inside.

"Misa-Misa doesn't want to be alone. Misa-Misa is scared to be alone." She desperately clenched her hands on Matsuda's coat. She pressed herself against his chest, hid her head inside Matsuda's coat. "Misa-Misa feels safe close to Matsuda." The man got a fright from this sudden action. But shock was quickly replaced by awkward feelings such as nerves. Matsuda didn't know what to do. He stood there, rigid as wood, too scared to move one single muscle. Misa-Misa was moving her head against his chest up and downwards. Matsuda's heartbeat started to accelerate when he felt the warmth of her breathing and of her skin that went through his shirt. The two of them remained a while in this way. Matsuda, immovable like a statue, Misa stroking like a little cat. Matsuda's temperature started rising. He felt his head get hot and feared that another part of his body would get too hot too. Cautiously Matsuda placed his hands on Misa's arms and slowly moved her a bit away. The woman stared confused but said no word.

"If Misa-chan wishes, I can stay the night over here and guard you. I sleep easily anywhere. This couch will serve good." Matsuda almost whispered.

"Matsuda-kun would do that for Misa-Misa?" The woman stared with sparkly eyes at Matsuda, her hands clenched together, pressed against her chest. Matsuda nodded affirmatively. "Oh, Misa-Misa is so lucky to have a friend like Matsuda-kun!!" She yelled and again grasped the man's clothes to press herself completely against his body. "Misa-Misa is very happy to have Matsuda-kun with her!" Matsuda was about to release himself again from her but he stopped himself when he noticed that Misa was crying on top of him. "Misa-Misa is always surrounded by many people. And many people want to be with Misa-Misa. But none of these people really knows or cares for Misa-Misa. But Matsuda-kun is really a friend of Misa-Misa!" Matsuda once again stared shocked, but this time he felt compassion and understanding for the woman. He softly held Misa on his arms and lived the good feeling of warmth, the good feeling of mutual love.

* * *

_A/N_

_Matsuda always appeared as an easygoing and irresponsible young man in the Death Note. But in the Manga (vol.12) he seems to have changed a bit after Light's death. He is still portrayed as a laid-back person in the end, but before it he has quite a remarkable conversation with Mogi._

_In this story I want to try and p__ortray the effects that the death of Light and the revelation that he was Kira had on Matsuda. I'm convinced that from the entire Task Force team, he was the most affected by this (he didn't shoot at Light for nothing after all). He reflects more about life, goes perhaps through a rough time, and has of course a struggle with his feelings towards Misa. _

_By the way, I realized later, when I read the part with the conversation of Matsuda and the crappy old man, that it reminded me a lot of a Zuko/Iroh moment (the last avatar). Curious._


	3. Chapter 3

_Seven lonely lies written on Deadwinter's night,  
open the only book with the only poem I can read  
In blood I sign my name and seal the midnight with a tear,  
burn the paper, every line for them I cried…_

* * *

Days passed by and became weeks. Weeks became months. They say that time is the best healer. They say time makes the pain more bearable. But it's all a lie. What do they know anyway? Do they know the pain of losing someone you love? Do they know how it feels? The despair, the anguish. To know you will never see that person again. Ever. How dare they say that time is a healer?

Months. _Has time passed by that quickly?_ Misa looked at the calendar. July, 21st. It had been already more than half a year since Light died. _Six months and three weeks._ And all she had in her memory was a mixed blur of happenings. The life of a pop star must go on. Insensitive to what circumstances you may find yourself in. Because the fans demand that you are always there for them. A life of a pop star is full of sacrifices, and privacy is the most costly of them all. Glamour, fame, luxury. None of these things can compensate for the lack of having your own space.

Misa's life changed a lot after the death of her beloved Light. The world turned upside down. And it never fell back into its place. Paparazzi followed Misa everywhere. They were more extreme than ever. They followed every step of her daily life. They photographed each movement she made. In hope of taking a shot that revealed her suffering. In hope of taking a shot that accused Misa of not suffering enough. Did Misa seek a new love in her life? Every time that she was spotted with male companionship, magazines would infer that he was her new boyfriend. Once there was even an article published where Misa was pointed out to have an affair with her 15 years older bodyguard, only because some guy photographed the man whispering something in the ear of the beautiful pop star.

Life had become a non-stop rollercoaster. Misa was the star of two movies that were filmed one just after the other. She promoted the movies in interviews and talk shows. Her record company launched her newest single, which was also used as the soundtrack for one of her movies. More interviews, more talk shows. Almost every week there was a photo shoot, sometimes related to the movies or her single, other times for fashion magazines. Misa had always had a very busy schedule, but the news of the death of Light only increased the situation. People claimed to understand the difficulties that Misa was going through. They said they wanted to help her, comfort her, but all they did was suffocate her in the crazy whirl of sensation. Sometimes Misa wished that her movies would be failures. She wished that her music would disappoint fans. She hoped to get fat so no one would want her in their fashion tabloids. Only so she could have a little break. Only so she could be alone for a whole day. No visits, no phone calls, no nothing. Just solitude, peace and quiet.

Mrs. Yagami, who had become a second mother to Misa, advised her to go to a psychologist. Therapy had done wonders for Sayu. The poor girl had suffered a lot: the trauma of a kidnapping, the death of her father and the death of her brother. But she was getting better now. She was catching up with the daily rhythm of young people's life. She restarted her study, worked once a week in a store near home and is even getting to know a kind young man. Maybe they would start dating soon. Mrs. Yagami too was feeling much better after going to some therapy sessions.

"Why don't you do that too? It really helps." Misa knew that the woman was suggesting this as an expression of goodwill but she could not go to some shrink. Not only it would be difficult to find space in her busy agenda to make an appointment, but she felt no interest in sharing her feelings with a stranger. With someone observing her coldly and methodically, but still claiming to understand her. How could someone that only knew what books say know how it feels? Because she was the only one that knew what she felt.

_July, 21__st_. She opened her agenda.10:00 to 12:00 - interviews for the last movie. 13:00 Lunch with the advertisers of her new fragrance, Dark Secret. 14:45 – photo shoot for the fashion collection for next autumn. 17:00 …Unbelievably Misa was free from 17 o'clock. She smiled with the thought of having a few hours for herself. What a rarity.

………………………………………………………………………

Misa looked at the clock. 18:58. She had been almost two hours alone, in her so much desired peace and quiet. She took advantage of this golden break to write her thoughts in her diary. She directed her words to Light. This was her own way to let out her feelings.

_Dear Light, love of my life._

_Today was a busy day. Like every day. Will this ever end? This pain Misa-Misa drags every day. This heaviness … it's as if Misa-Misa carries a big truck on her shoulders. Misa-Misa is being accused of suffering a depression by everybody. Should she be happy? Misa-Misa cannot feel happy without Light-kun. She feels empty, lonely…sad. Misa-Misa wishes she could fall asleep and never wake up again. She wishes she could dream all the time with Light-kun… She wishes this all would just end._

She paused and looked at the page. She closed the book, wiped her tears away, and hid the diary under her bed. Misa laid down and grabbed a pillowcase close to her chest. Her watery eyes looked at a photo of her deceased lover. She cuddled closer to the pillow and let out a scream of agony. She wept, hot tears streaming out of her eyes.

"WHEN WILL THIS END?" She felt panic overpowering her. "LIGHT! WHERE ARE YOU? DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE! Don't leave me alone…"

She wept until the pain was relieved a bit. Because the pain never disappeared. It was like a knife that was stuck in her heart and refused to get out, to let Misa heal. Slowly her breathing calmed down. The red rimmed eyes dried themselves. She remained a while, laying on her bed, grasping the pillow, looking at the picture of Light. Then her eyes shifted to the clock. 19:37. She stared a while motionless. 19:38…19.39…The young woman lifted herself up and realized she felt tired and hungry. But she didn't want to eat alone. It was nice to be alone for a while, but it could be too lonely too.

Misa searched for names in her cell phone. Names of work colleagues, names of bosses, company's contacts, Mrs. Yagami, Sayu, some friends… She let the list go on and on, not really reading the names. She was letting the list go by the third time when she stopped at a name: Matsuda Touta. She hesitated. The last time she saw him was after the funeral. _Matsuda had kind enough to stay the night over so Misa didn't have to feel scared. So Misa wouldn't stay alone_. He demonstrated himself to be a supportive friend from the day he brought her the bad news. She remembered him telling her that she could call him at any time, whenever she wanted to speak to someone. Without thinking she pressed the dial button. It started ringing. Once…Twice... "Mochi, mochi" A loud male voice was heard from the other side of the phone.

"Hallo Matsuda-kun. It's Misa-Misa speaking."

"Oh! Misa" He almost yelled from surprise "How are you? Are you ok?"

"Yes, Misa-Misa is ok. She was wondering if…if Matsuda-kun would like to eat something together with Misa-Misa." Matsuda opened his eyes widely. Mogi who was driving the car, looked a bit suspicious at his companion's reaction.

"Like a dinner? Of course I would like, hehehe." Matsuda laughed nervously as he noticed the angry look coming from the man sitting next to him. "I-I just have to finish something at my job. I'll be out in one hour."

"Will you pick me up at my apartment?"

"Yes, yes, yes. Ehm, as soon as I'm ready I'll come to you."

"Ok, see ya later, Matsuda-kun." And so was the conversation ended. The two men were silent for a while.

"You have a date with Misa?" Mogi finally asked.

"Date? No,no! It's not a date! Misa only invited me to eat with her." The young man agitatedly answered.

"Sounds like a date to me." Mogi insisted. Matsuda chose not to answer that one. "You're getting red, Matsuda." The young man widened his eyes again and shrunk in his seat. He wished there was a hole where he could hide. "You like her don't you? Are you in love?"

"NO I'M NOT IN LOVE! WILL YOU CUT THE CRAP" Matsuda yelled at his surprised colleague. "What do you know about being in love anyway?"

"HEY, I'VE BEEN IN LOVE BEFORE! I'M NOT SOME KIND OF ICE CUBE!" This time it was Mogi's turn to scream. Matsuda didn't dare to say another word after that. Anyway, they were arriving at their destination. One more hour of work and he would be with Misa.

* * *

_A/N_

_Ohba lets a great space for speculations about what happens with Misa in the year between Light's and her deaths. He only mentions that she falls into despair after she learned about Light's death. And then commits suicide one year later. In one year time a lot can happen. Misa could go into a depression and lock herself inside the whole day and isolate herself from the world, she could get an alcoholic of drug problem, could go mad…I mean anything is possible. _

_The way I think, Misa chooses to carry on with her life. How? Her career becomes her main distraction. Making movies and music, having interviews and photo shoots, going to parties and premières… these are all great ways of distraction. In this way Misa forgets temporarily the death of Light. Temporarily._

_It becomes the classic case of the talented pop star at the top of her career. She seems to have everything she wishes for and shows herself happy to the world. But that is nothing but an illusion. Misa is actually in a depression and every time she's alone, sadness and despair take over her. On the other hand, all the attention she gets becomes too overwhelming. Everybody asks more of her, demands grow, it becomes more and more difficult to keep up with the high expectations that the world had. These circumstances will be her doom _


	4. Chapter 4

_If you fall I'll catch, if you love I'll love,  
and so it goes, my dear, don't be scared, you'll be safe,  
this I swear. If you only love me back_

_I am the Playwriter and you are my Crown, make me cry for your love,  
like you've done many times,  
so I know I can't write these storylines without you, Lady pain,  
make me strong, can't we be together without them forever…_

* * *

Matsuda sighed as the traffic jam seemed not to want to move. He was starting to feel annoyed about this. It seemed to get worse every year. All he wanted was to get out of the city, just like all the other thousands of people that were now stuck in their car. (cars.) Usually it would only take him about two hours driving, but today it would certainly take an eternity. Matsuda could not help groaning when he heard the radio.

"And now, the traffic for today. The areas of Tokyo, Yokohama, Nagoya and Sapporo are totally jammed. All ways out from these cities are blocked, due to the holidays… There are also reports of an accident on the highway between Tokyo – and Kyoto that has already formed a 12 km line of traffic… In the region of Osaka a passenger vehicle made a frontal hit on a truck two hours ago, forming a line of 9 km…In the IC 52…" The traffic report carried on speaking about some other accidents and the existence of jams on practically all roads around Tokyo and other big cities. Today cars would move very slowly. _Damn, why does everybody have to start the holidays on the same day! It's time somebody did something about this._ Matsuda felt frustrated and he surely wasn't the only one. He could hear people hooting needlessly, he saw cars getting out of the line to go in the opposite direction, as if that would help. Given that he was stopped, he turned around to look at his back seat. He smiled at the sight of colorful wrapping paper that covered square and rectangular shapes. He wished that this jam would end, so he could be with his family sooner. He sighed again and closed his eyes. In his mind he pictured his parents, his grandmother, his aunt and uncle and his two cousins, both married and with children. He laughed a bit as he pictured the children playing, remembering when one of them accidently threw the Christmas tree down while trying to catch a decoration with the form of a little snow man. Or his old granny that talked to him about recipes for all kinds of pies. But his daydream was suddenly interrupted as a high horn was heard behind him. The car on front of him had moved about 3 meters, and the one behind him seemed very eager to move those 3 meters too. He sighed as he came back to the _move-one-inch-every-five-minutes _rhythm. He sat there for a long while and when he finally reached the end of that very long avenue, he turned the volume up on his radio. He recognized the voice of the singer and listened carefully.

_O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining,  
It is the night of the dear Saviour's birth.  
Long lay the world in sin and error pining.  
Till He appeared and the Spirit felt its worth.  
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,  
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn. _

It was a new version of _O Holy Night_, sung by Misa Amane. She sung softly, adorably, and somehow a bit sadly too. This was a peaceful moment for Matsuda, listening to his favorite diva, her quiet voice in the middle of the holiday traffic chaos.' He wondered how she was. The last time he saw her was when she suddenly called him. _Misa-Misa is ok. She was wondering if…if Matsuda-kun would like to eat something together with Misa-Misa. _Her voice felt insecure and lower than normal. All the same Matsuda could not help feeling joyful. He felt his heart beating rapidly when he heard her words. He had to control himself from not jumping for joy when he heard the invitation, for Mogi was looking a bit threatening. _"What's his problem? He knows I'm friends with Misa-Misa. It's not like I'm dating her."_ But he wished he was.

When he arrived at the hotel he was confused when a short black haired girl quickly stepped into his car. Her hair was shoulder length; she had glasses on and was dressed in a simple stripped T-shirt with black shinny jeans. Matsuda stared shocked at the girl when she turned to face him and said "_Step on it Matsuda._" This girl was Misa Amane. She looked so different.

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you." He laughed a bit nervously.

"Good. Misa-Misa doesn't want to be recognized. Misa-Misa is tired of being chased around by photographers and fans. She only wishes to have some peace from everything." Matsuda nodded in agreement. He could only try to imagine how difficult it would be if his daily life was invaded by constant strangers following him everywhere, cameras flashing at each step he took. "Will Matsuda take Misa-Misa to a cheap restaurant?"

"I can afford a more expensive restaurant." Matsuda felt a bit offended. Ok, his salary was perhaps not one of the highest in the world, but he was earning good money. "After helping L in the Kira case I was promoted to Superintendent together with Mogi and Ide."

"What's that, Matsuda? I thought you were a detective."

"Yes. Superintendent is actually a detective of Crime Investigation. Before that I was just an officer in the team of general investigations." Misa stared a few moments with an open mouth at the man driving the car. She didn't really understand what Matsuda's function was in the police force but she did understand that it was important.

"Matsuda really grew up to be a great policeman!" the girl cheerfully yelled, jumping slightly on her seat. Matsuda frightened and the car slipped momentarily to the side, but he quickly regained full control over the vehicle.

"Yes Misa-Misa – hehehe - I always do my best in my work!" He childishly replied.

"So Matsuda-kun, take Misa-Misa to his favorite restaurant."

"Oh, my favorite restaurant…Well, it's kind of middle class…"

"It's ok. Misa-Misa likes middle class restaurants too. She doesn't want to go an expensive restaurant because people might recognize her. And then they will see Misa-Misa with Matsuda-kun and think they are dating. And then Misa-Misa and Matsuda-kun will be photographed and appear everywhere in magazines. Misa-Misa doesn't want to trouble Matsuda-kun." Matsuda sighed. He didn't want to appear in tabloids, but it did hurt him when she said that people would think they were dating. Because they weren't. Matsuda wondered if he and Misa ever could become a couple.

Matsuda drove to his favorite restaurant. They took a table for two in a corner, so they were out of the sight of most people. Thanks to her brilliant disguise, nobody recognized Misa. The same wig and glasses she wore on the day she spotted Light. She fell in love the second she saw him. If she only could remember why she was disguised on that day…

The evening was great. They talked a lot about TV, music and Matsuda even explained a few things about his work. He wished that this evening wouldn't ever end, but it did. When the bill came Misa insisted on paying for the meal.

"Misa-Misa asked for Matsuda to come with her. It's the least that she can do for taking his time."

"But I went out 'cause I like, not because I feel forced." He wanted to say "because I like you" but he wasn't able. "Please let me pay this one time. It's something that we guys are used to doing. Misa stared at him a bit amazed and then smiled.

"Matsuda-kun is not only a great policeman; he's a true gentleman too!"

The last thing he remembered from that summer evening was leaving Misa by the entrance of the hotel. The girl waved happily as he left. _Why did I have to leave? Why couldn't I just stay with her?_ Matsuda sighed. Those were fine memories. It took him a while to notice that he was almost out of the city. He would take a minor road; perhaps it would be less busy there, since everybody preferred the highway.

………………………………………………………………………………………

Christmas was, as usual, fun. Following the tradition, the family stayed at the house of Grandma Matsuda. His mother and aunt decorated the house, while his father and uncle bought the food for these special days. His cousins arrived later in the evening, the children thrilled to see the family again, especially old grandma. This was one of the rare occasions that the family would come together, for everybody lived far away from each other and were very busy with their jobs and family lives.

"So Touta, when are you getting married?" His cousin Yumi asked. "You are getting to the age for it." Matsuda laughed a bit nervously. His family had been asking him this question for the last five years. And every time he would give the same answer:

"I'm so busy with my work that I barely have time to date, and when I do…Well, usually girls are frightened at the idea that I have such a dangerous job." Unfortunately it was true that most women were put off by the idea of him being a police detective. For a long time he thought that he was a disaster with dates. On the other hand he never had problems with flirting in bars and getting the attention of numbers of beautiful women. But when the ladies got to know him better, this being after the second or third date, they seemed to lose interest in him. Mogi told him that it was because he was too childish; Ide accused him of being' too easygoing and thinking of everything as a big joke or party. Aizawa was the only one that said it was difficult for a cop, " '_cause women want to feel safe in a relationship"_. He had enough fights with his wife about that. He assured Matsuda that Ekiko was terrified when she discovered that he was a police officer, and it was her love for him and her strong personality that made her accept this reality. It was scary for a wife and mother to know that their life partners was daily in a life-threatening situation. _Look at Mrs. Yagami. She lost her husband and son…but I guess that was an exceptional case…"_

"Maybe you need a change of job. Yumi suggested, breaking Matsuda's chain of thoughts.

"How? It's the only thing I know to do." She sighed and gave up. She knew it was hard for him to be the only one of the family that wasn't married yet. He didn't even have a serious relationship, only casual dates. She thought it was a shame. He was goodhearted, hard working, good looking, charming, funny and great with children. Her daughters sure loved him. She decided to change the subject. Yumi was confident that her cousin was destined to find the right one. Someday.

……………………………………………………………………….

The family passed their time, on Christmas Eve, with several activities, mostly playing games and telling stories. The TV was to be heard in the background, for the Christmas Special was broadcasting. This live show was hosted from Tokyo, but would shift every half an hour to other parts of the country. Famous artists were spread around in several cities reporting the events that were taking place: games with prizes for children, live pop-rock concerts, and special Christmas guests with amazing stories to tell.

All of a sudden Matsuda quickly got up, leaving his cousins behind him amazed and open mouthed. He was finally winning at Monopoly. He sat on the couch and turned the volume a bit louder. He had heard correctly. On the TV screen he saw Misa in a wonderfully sexy Santa Klaus dress, standing next to the famous Ryuga Hideki. They were presenting the show from Osaka. Hideki was barely to be seen or heard, as he remained in the shadow of Misa. The young actress-singer presented the happenings in Osaka very energetically. The blondine managed to attract all the attention to herself with her high voice and exaggerated gestures. Something she was very good at and which made her so very popular. Hideki was only to be seen in the beginning and end of their transmission from Osaka, waving very shyly behind Misa, as she handed kisses to her fans at home. Misa was no doubt the one with the prominent role in Osaka.

"I like Misa very much. She's very pretty and funny." Natsumi, Yumi's daughter, spoke to Matsuda, who smiled at her remark. He agreed with the little girl who happily was placing a self made bracelet on the man's wrist. "Look Touta, I made it especially for you!" Matsuda laughed a bit as he looked more closely at the bracelet. It was made mainly of pink and yellow stones. In the middle of it were his initials: TM. He accepted it and politely thanked Natsumi. The bracelet was only to be loosened from his wrist when he came back home to Tokyo, five days later.

He entered his untidy apartment and sighed. He wished that the holidays could never end. He wished that he could remain for the rest of his life in the warm comfort of family love. But everything came to an end. He was alone, once again, in his little apartment. All alone in a city of millions of nameless individuals. No one to talk to, no one to embrace, no one to love. Loneliness was all that he had left.

_

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A/N_

_Another confrontation of solitude for Matsuda. Heartbreaking. And the date of Misa's suicide is coming closer. Meaning that this short story will end soon too (in about another two chapters). Please, do review. _


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